Binge Monster

I´ve been binging non stop sice Sunday...I want to kill myself...I´m so fat,fatter than usual. I was losing weight, why did I have to do that??? My birthday is tomorrow and I´m a whale
jjytykyutytyi I hate myself soooooooooo much...

Mom in hospital, useless scale

Yesterday my mom was hospitalized because she had had chest pains the day before and she has high blood pressure. She has a heart problem and she was in the hospital before(wich I only know because she told me, I blocked the memory, nothing new there).
I was so scared yesterday when I visited her even though she felt good, when I was walking there I had this feeling she was going to die, a very strong one. It´s my greatest fear, that someone I love very much dies...and maybe it had to do with the date(I´ll tell you in another post).
I live with my mom and my younger brother(almoust 18) and I love them to death though I´ve had a loooot of problems with my mom and I still recent her for the things she did to me.
She will be a ok, no dying, right?



The part about the scale...when I have bad things in my life I burry myself deeper in the ED, we all do that I think. So yeah, the freaking scale doesn´t work or something, I´ve been fasting for 2 days(this is the third one) and I´ve gain a kg and then lost it. That can´t be right. I hate this scale!







Does anyone knows how to make a low cal cake? Impossible I know, but I have to find how to make one that has 100 cal per portion for my birthday. Any ideas are welcomed!



I hope your doing great!!
x_broken_me_x@hotmail.com
I´s really love to talk to you =)





PS: I finished Wintergirls, I loved it!





EDIT
Wiiiiii my Mom is back!!

Yesterday = Binge day

So yeah...yesterday was a bad bad day. I b/p twice and then I binged and took some laxatives. My weight is the same(I think, my scale isn´t digital) so I won´t complain much about it xD

Now the reason I binged.
T (my whatever and close to a girlfriend)started talking about she thinks she´s bad for me and other crap while I was high, so at the time I didn´t understand much, so we talked yesterday on MSN ´cause I was so angry that I didn´t want to see her(still don´t want to but for other reasons). While we talked I felt I was dying, she doesn´t make me feel better and lately she only makes me mad or ruins the time I´m having fan, but I love her so much and to be honest she´s the main reason I stay alive. Apart from her I only have losing weight and I don´t know how much that stupid reason will keep me alive...

I don´t know what to do, I know she´s bad for me but I can´t imagine living without her again, it hurts more than I can take right now. What do you think I have to do? Stay with her or move on?




I really don´t want to think about it so today I´ll just concentrate on fasting and reading. Talking about reading(wich is my favorite thing in the world)does anybody have the link to download Wintergirls? I really want to read it.


I hope you all are doing well and thank you so much for the comments =)




EDIT: I´m looking in Pretty Thin for Wintergirls and I can´t find it, I´m retarded. If someone is a member can you tell me how to find it? Thanks

Diet pills

Hi lovelies!

I´ve had a great weekend, lots of friends and alcohol and almoust no foood.
Yesterday I went to my doctor and she talked with my psychologist, they agreed to give a weight loss pill and she also gave me vitamins. When I left the consult I didn´t know wheter to laugh or cry....they agree I´m that fat to give me a pill...I was upset and happy, weird conbination. This pill is a mix of drugs an the said it would also help my hair(I´ve been pulling it out since I was a baby).
Then I bought a scale(since my old back is broken) and decided I should be happy. She also gave a sleeping pill that she said would take my anxiety during the day.

Today I feel high haha I think it´s the lack of food, I forgot how great it feels.
I weighted myself this morning and it said 63kg, it´s a cheap scale and honestly I don´t trust it so I´m not too depressed by that high and gross number.
I´ll change my goal for my birthday to 59kg instead of 57kg so I don´t disappoint myself so much.I NEED to lose weight...

I´m really dizzy so I´ll go to bed and try to read for a while before picking up my diet pills(yaay).
I hope you´r all having a good week =)

This day suuucks

It´s been a crapy day and it seems it´s going to be a crapy night.

No binging today, that´s good...yesterday 100 cal and today so far 0 BUT I have a birthday party.
I´m really not hungry so I don´t want to eat just to drink millions of calories but if I change my mind later about drinkin(2 glasses, maybe one of white wine and one of vodka with light soda,200 cal, not so much) I don´t want to end up completly wasted...well, I think I´m not drinkin and that´s it.
Today I went to a store to buy a shirt for the party....huge disaster. Nothing fit so I ended up coming home and crying like a baby for being so fat and useless. I managed not to cut, that´s good but I´m really depressed and I just wanna stay home watching TV, maybe smoking some weed or just sleep...
After the party I´m going to T´s house to sleep(we decided on staying in the "whatever"), then tomorrow the Gay Pride parade(idk if you guys call it like that in your cities)and later dancing. I´ll decide if I´m in the mood for clubing tomorrow,if it was for me I´d just slip my freaking wrists and put me out of my misery...


Not the happiest post haha
I really hope you all have amazing weekends =)
Thank you so much for the comments, they make feel so much better(L)

2 Weeks

Like all I say, my last post was bullshit.
This past days I´ve been binging like the fat whore I am and then overdosing on laxatives...yay me!

Today something that scared(not exactly the word but close) happened, I was purging dinner and I felt the relief, pleasure and idk what else I´ve felt the past years I´ve been a bulimic and I don´t want to go back that roud. To me it´s like a drug so I HAVE TO STOP.

There´s only two weeks left to my birthday and I want to be 57 kg by then, I don´t know how much I weight so it´s pretty stupid but I want that weight anyway. Tomorrow I´ll get my fatass at the gym again.
I´m feeling VERY suicidal lately and I don´t know what to do with that...





I´m having some romantic problems. It´s a looong story but given the fact that nobody reads this I can tell it.
Well, it all started 3-4 years ago, I met a girl from a self injury forum(ha, you wheren´t expecting that place to meet anyone)and we started dating. That year in particular I was someone very cold, very unlike me, I´m the opposite of cold and I got bored and left her(yes, I was a complete and total bitch), soon after that I was commited in a psychiatric for 2 weeks(that I blocked out) for trying to kill myself(I can´t even do that right, see?). Then I dated for like 6 months a boy(at the time i thought I was bisexual)who well...molested me, I blocked that out and just remembered it this year(I really wish i hadn´t). Some weeks later from braking up with him I got back with her, let´s call her T. We´ve had an amazing relationship until this year(March) when she broke up with me...that was devastating to me. Then I was with another guy for 2 months I think(turns out he was a total psycho) and then I began seeing her again but nothing serious, well it was but we called ourself "whatever".
Now I have to think if I want to get back together with her or just move on. Moving on would be really hard, we have the same friends and I don´t want to stop talking to her, she´s also my best friend. And getting back together just doesn´t seems right. Tomorrow I´ll see her, I thing I´ll tell her to go back to the "whatever", that is essentially an open relationship without so many responsibillities. I know that for most people open relationships are a fraud but I think they are the most honest ones.
Of course there´s been a lot more in the middle of this story(I could actually write a book xD) but I´m tired of writing and my memory is terrible.





Tomorrow I´ll start restricting again, no more binging and if my period doesn´t like it...screw it.
If anyone reads this I hope you had a better start of the week and I hope to get to know you =)







I´d sell all my organs to look like that.....someday I will look something close to that!(I don´t even believe it)


PS: If anyone wants to talk here´s my msn
x_broken_me_x@hotmail.com

Weekends, weekends, weekends...

I hope you all had a great Halloween =)

I had a party at my house and it was really fun,though I drank way too much(empty calories, need to stop drinking and just smoke weed) and I ate some chips...
On Sunday I laxed myself and drank some diuretic teas but I also binged at night(pizza, cereals,a lollypop) so today I feel like the fattest person on earth, why do I punish myself binging?Well, I hate myself but I can´t keep doing that, I decided that if I ever binge again(of course I will,god I hate bulimia)it will be only with cereals that I can purge really easy. Yesterday I couldn´t purge because I didn´t want to waste the laxies...

I´m bloaded I feel like an air baloon, of course I am I ate pizzaa, I´m also supposed to be geting my period. I swear I´m so depressed I want to kill myself...
Well I´ll stop complaining haha.

My plan for the week is to eat less than 500 calories and start working out again and not to drink or aet anything on my friend´s birthday on Saturday.


I have to go to the doctor´s today, my therapist wants to ask her to give me some pills to burn the fat, if she doesn´t give them to me I´ll buy some online.

On the next post I´ll tell more about myself
Thank you Ninja for comenting =)



Have a great week!