2 Weeks

Like all I say, my last post was bullshit.
This past days I´ve been binging like the fat whore I am and then overdosing on laxatives...yay me!

Today something that scared(not exactly the word but close) happened, I was purging dinner and I felt the relief, pleasure and idk what else I´ve felt the past years I´ve been a bulimic and I don´t want to go back that roud. To me it´s like a drug so I HAVE TO STOP.

There´s only two weeks left to my birthday and I want to be 57 kg by then, I don´t know how much I weight so it´s pretty stupid but I want that weight anyway. Tomorrow I´ll get my fatass at the gym again.
I´m feeling VERY suicidal lately and I don´t know what to do with that...





I´m having some romantic problems. It´s a looong story but given the fact that nobody reads this I can tell it.
Well, it all started 3-4 years ago, I met a girl from a self injury forum(ha, you wheren´t expecting that place to meet anyone)and we started dating. That year in particular I was someone very cold, very unlike me, I´m the opposite of cold and I got bored and left her(yes, I was a complete and total bitch), soon after that I was commited in a psychiatric for 2 weeks(that I blocked out) for trying to kill myself(I can´t even do that right, see?). Then I dated for like 6 months a boy(at the time i thought I was bisexual)who well...molested me, I blocked that out and just remembered it this year(I really wish i hadn´t). Some weeks later from braking up with him I got back with her, let´s call her T. We´ve had an amazing relationship until this year(March) when she broke up with me...that was devastating to me. Then I was with another guy for 2 months I think(turns out he was a total psycho) and then I began seeing her again but nothing serious, well it was but we called ourself "whatever".
Now I have to think if I want to get back together with her or just move on. Moving on would be really hard, we have the same friends and I don´t want to stop talking to her, she´s also my best friend. And getting back together just doesn´t seems right. Tomorrow I´ll see her, I thing I´ll tell her to go back to the "whatever", that is essentially an open relationship without so many responsibillities. I know that for most people open relationships are a fraud but I think they are the most honest ones.
Of course there´s been a lot more in the middle of this story(I could actually write a book xD) but I´m tired of writing and my memory is terrible.





Tomorrow I´ll start restricting again, no more binging and if my period doesn´t like it...screw it.
If anyone reads this I hope you had a better start of the week and I hope to get to know you =)







I´d sell all my organs to look like that.....someday I will look something close to that!(I don´t even believe it)


PS: If anyone wants to talk here´s my msn
x_broken_me_x@hotmail.com