The break up and the binges

I finally did it, I broke up with T....a 4 year relationship now is over.
It was awful when I told her, she wanted to kill herself, she was crying and so was I...Idk how to feel, I feel really sad, like a part of me is missing but I also feel relief.

Didn´t had much time to think cause I´ve been binging, purging, binging again and taking laxatives and diuretics. Tomorrow when I weight myself I´m going to want to kill myself...but the binging stops now! I think I did it out of guilt and to make myself feel even worst....
I already had like 1000 calories today and it´s 3 pm here. I pray the laxatives help a little with that.





I did realize I had made of T almoust my entire world, she was the main part of my social life and now I have to start from zero, wich scares me a little.
I won´t lie to you, this is pathetic but she was the main reason I haven´t killed myself. Now I only have losing weight and I will do it, I´ll get to 47/45 kg.
All my energy will be in losing weight and in having a social life again(I hope I can).


I feel lost...I feel...I don´t know how I feel...



I hope your weekend is going great!
xx




EDIT: I ended bup taking 10 laxatives but they don´t seem to work...
And I wanted to leave my mail again, so if you want you can add me, I really need to talk to someone...
x_broken_me_x@hotmail.com

ABC Diet

New month, new chances, right? I´ll try to make the most of the last month of the year, try to be happy, even if I don´t know how.

So finally I decided to try the ABC diet. At first 500 cals seemed like a lot(how ironic, my binges are like five times those calories)but since today I started going to the gym and I don´t want to pass out again there, I thought I´d give it a try. Has any of you tried it? If you did, how much did you loose?


It feels great to be back in the gym, I didn´t realize how much I missed the exercise. I´m taking my first Pilates class today, I´m really looking foward to it =)


There´s not much new to tell, I still haven´t made my CV, wich I have to do asap and maybe tomorrow I´ll see T.
I wish there was something exciting in my life...maybe when I get a job there will be.



Thanks for the comments sweeties, they mean a lot to me!




I have a thing with hip bones xD

+ 3.5 kg

I want to die right now. I gained 3.5 kg.....I´m 61.9 kg.............ngfjsuwjytjstru I´m freaking out!!!
WHY why did I have to binge all this days??? I´m such a fat failure, I´ll never be thin...I´ll never be anything. I really wish I could kill myself, I wish I didn´t care about my family an just do it....


Ok, selfpity time over. In a few days I´ll be back to 58, it´s Ok. Tomorrow I´ll start going to the gym so I´ll loose weight faster(please please let this be true)
Today I´ll stay under 300 cals of fruit and drink a lot of diuretic tea(my mom hid the real diuretics so that tea is all I´ve got).
I don´t wanna leave the house looking like this, not even to go to therapy, maybe tomorrow I´ll be less bloated and I won´t panick so much about going out...





How are you lovelies? I hope you´re better than me

Rambling

I don´t know why but I´m soooo angry...I feel like hiting the wall or braking plates...I guess it´ll pass...
Not much new...I have 2 scales now in my house, one saying I weight 60 kg and other saying 58 kg. Either way, I lost quite a few kg this week, most of them must be reteined liquids.
I´ve been eating around 100 cals a day and sleeping very little so that might be why my mood changes constantly....
I´m so bored idk what to do with myself.......and that puts me in a really bad mood.

Yesterday I hung out with my brother´s friends and we smoked a lot of weed, I was completly out of it haha. This is sad, my life is sad but I think I´m only happy when I´m high...does that mean I have a problem with drugs? And more important, if I did, would I care? I don´t think so...
Yesterday my mom called me flacid and i think while I was walking some guys made fun of my weight....I´m so sick of being fat, I´m so sick of my weight holding me back. I think if I was thin my life would be so much better, I wouldn´t have to isolate myself...we´ll see.
I took some anxiety meds to calm myself and now I´m not angry haha.

This post doesn´t make any sense, right? Sorry


I hope everybody had a nice Thanksgiving =)

Breaking up

I´m braking up with T. Yesterday I was supposed to sleep over at her house but I left like to hours after I got there, I just wanted to be home. I didn´t want to be with her...things aren´t the same since she broke up with me in April...and though I do love her very much, I just don´t like her anymore if you know what I mean.
I need to be with someone positive, outgoing, fun...and she´s the opposite. I also realiced I don´t want her anymore...I want to be with a girl and she wants to be a boy, that honestly doesn´t work for me.
Idk how I´m going to tell her...4 years is a looong time and I know I´ll break her heart....but I have to do it.






Foodwise it´s been prety good, except for yesterday when I binged on 1,500 cal and couldn´t purge ´cause my mom was awake and she´s always listening when I´m in the bathroom...I fasted for almoust 4 days before that, so I don´t complain.
Today I´ve had a yogurt(68 cal) and watermelon(47 cal) and for dinner I´ll eat tomatoes with a soy sausage(27 cal) and if for some reason I get really anxious(ha, I always do) I´ll eat an apple or something like that.


I´m really depressed and not having a job or something to do makes me worst, I need to stop thinking, to stop feeling...




I hope you´re doing great sweeties, you are the best!









Ps: My computer is so slow I want to throw it through the window...sorry Jaz for leaving yesterday but MSN wasn´t working.

A little about me

Well, it´s time to tell you a bit about me.

*I started college twice and because of my depression I couldn´t study or concentrate so I dropped out for now. I was studying Psychology and I still want to, but I´ll wait and study make up next year and when I´m better I´ll start psychology again. I want to help people and all my previous therapists are an example of what not to do.
Leaving college makes me feel even more disappointed at myself than I already was, but for now there´s nothing I can do.
*I´m looking for a job. On Tuesday I´ll start giving out my CV´s and we´ll see what happens. I don´t have my hopes up ´cause my arms are covered with scars...I´ll also start telling people I want to babysit(I love kids).
*My passion is Ballet, I danced for 3-4 years till my ED took over me and I couldn´t anymore. Everytime I see ballet I cry, I think it´s the most beautiful thing in the world and I regret leaving it. Maybe, someday, when I fix myself(I doubt that will ever happen), I´ll go back dancing. Next year I want to start Arabic dance and musical comedy(idk how you guys call it, it´s theatre with singing and dancing)
*I daydream of going to NY and living on my own, thin, beautiful, independant and successful. I want to travel the world and stay in a city that fits me, I don´t wanna stay in my country.
*I have green eyes and I dye my hair black(I´m naturally blond), I´ll dye it redish when I´m thinner.
*I always put others ahead of me, I love listening and trying to help others.
*I´m a vegetarian, I think eating meat it´s plain wrong.
*I´m a lesbian, a very very girly one :P
*I hateeee summer and hot weather(it´s spring here...), winter is my thing.
*I adore cofee and reading.




That´s all I can think for now, if you have a question or something don´t be afraid to ask =)
I´ll leave my MSN again if anyone wants to add me
x_broken_me_x@hotmail.com







I´m fasting since yesterday and I feel great. Idk if to go out or not because of the drinking, I´ll see later.
I hope you´re doing great! =)






I just love her(L)

Happy birthday to me

Well, as my last post said I´ve been messing up big time...today is my birthday so there´s nothing I can do about it(there will be pizza and cake...)but tomorrow is a new day and I´ll start restricting again so I don´t end up killing myself xD (I swear, food is killing me)
Today I´ll go to Starbucks(L) with T and then walk or something with her, I miss her so much! And then I´ll come home, my father(...),godmother and my grandparents will come and we´ll follow the family tradition, eat until we can´t breath(I have to tell you about my family´s EDs in another post).
I will have a great day no matter what!



Thank you so much for the comments girls, they make me smile and feel a lot better!
I´m starting to really care about all of you, you are amazing =)
I hope your doing well