miércoles, 29 de diciembre de 2010

+ 5 kg

I want to do that so bad

I´ve gained 5 kg, that´s like more than 10 lbs!!!!!!!!!!!! In 5 days!!!
I can´t believe how fat I am, I really can´t....I should be killed for weighting this much and for gaining this much!

I can´t go out of my house like this, I really can´t. I´ll probably spend New year´s eve at home, alone....
I´m such a failure, I´m worthless...I want to cut so bad...

I hope you are all better than me, thanks for the comments and for the new followers =)

lunes, 27 de diciembre de 2010

Fat, fat, fat

Hi lovelies! I hope you all had a great Chrismas!!

Honestly mine sucked. I binged on Chrismas Eve and been binging since then but it stops now(please please let it stop)!
I´m terrified of weighting myself, I know I´ve gained tons of weight =( reyhjtytjyiy
I´m so fat I don´t even want to go out or see anyone, I´m so ashamed...

My plans for this week are eating 300 cals or less and going to the gym for at least 2 hours everyday. But well, we know my plans don´t usualy work xD

I´ll tell you the truth, next month my mother and brother are leaving for a scout´s camp for 2 weeks and I was planning killing myself while they were away...I was dreaming about it all month but I can´t do that to them....and I hate them for that.
So now that I have to stay alive I don´t know what to do...
No, I don´t have to stay alive, I can for once in my life put myself first and finish everything and that´s what I´ll do. For once I´ll be selfish, for once I´ll do what´s best for me and not for others.

I´m really ashamed of this but I find myself being really jelaous of my friend who was in a coma because of all the weight she lost and because she hasn´t eaten in 2 weeks, how sick is that? I´m really worried about her but I can´t help her, I´ve really tried but she doesn´t want to get better...

Ok, I´ll stop rambling and thank you for all the comments =)


viernes, 24 de diciembre de 2010

Merry Chrismas lovelies!

I really don´t want to go to my auncle´s dinner but I have to....besides I´m bringin cupcakes...
My mom isn´t going ´cause there´ll be too much alcohol and she´s trying to quit drinking(not working well at all)

But I better cheer up, after all my dinner will be a green salad(I´m the only vegetarian there), I´ll have a few drinks and try to avoid all dessesrts xD
Plus I´ll have fun with my cousins!

I hope you all have a really merry chrismas and enjoy yourselfs!!

martes, 21 de diciembre de 2010


(If only Santa was real and he made me lose 15 kg in a day...)

It´s been a continued Epic Fail since I last posted, I´m a mess(actually I´m a fatass but oh well). Binging non stop, eating like I hadn´t seen food in a decade...
Of course my weight is uuuup, I gained a tone, really.
Yesterday night I took some diuretics and laxatives but the laxatives didn´t worked yet(I pray they do, I took 5)

I need to stop binging, I will stop. God, I wish Xmas just dissapeared...not looking foward to seeing anyone and to have a family binge...I´m not even near the goal I had for that day, I´m like 7 kg fatter jtrurtrtjujtujjyu5fwete
Today only carrots and apples alowed and I´ll stick to that until xmas, maybe I´ll lose some of this weight...

I´m in the mood for taking sleeping pills all day and sleep for the next few days, I don´t want to see anyone or do anything but I HAVE to go to the gym...God, I wish I was thin...

Don´t have a lot to say today but I just wanted to update and thank you for your lovely comments =) Sorry I haven´t commented on all of your blogs, I´ll get to it.


sábado, 18 de diciembre de 2010


Well, I´m a little high so excuse me if I don´t make sense or something xD

This past couple of day were binging days...luckily today I stopped myself from doing it(so far) but there the birthday party of my brother and there will be a lot of alcohol and snacks, I´m so triggered.
I gained 2 kg....kill me. Always the same story, I´m getting so tired of the fucking binges, I´m a fatass.

Maybe I´ll have fun at the party and I can follow my plan of no food, a little of vodka xD
Tomorrow I have a get together with my friends =) I miss them!
On Monday I´ll start going to spinning twice a day for 3 days, and the other days at least 2 hours and a half of exercise.

How are you darlings? How are you going to spend the rest of the weekend?

I´m in the mood for some thinspo:


jueves, 16 de diciembre de 2010


Hi darlings! How are you today?

I´m feeling really positive, just went back from the gym, only burned 400 cals but I have a dance class at night so I´ll burn some more =)

Yesterday was my brother´s birthday(he´s 18 now) and it was a great day. I spent all day baking cupcakes that everyone seemed to really like(I didn´t taste them) and cleaning the house. I only had a glass of bubbly wine at night and nothing else for the day(I shouldn´t have but that wine is sooo yummy)
The bad part is that my fridge is full of pizza, empanadas(I think you call then turnovers, not sure, cakes and capecakes. Luckily I´m not triggered at all, I hope it stayss that way cause I can´t allow myself to binge.

Today I had a yogurt(68 cal) and then if I get hungry I´ll have an apple and a Coke Zero.
Ín a while I´ll go to hung out with T and I hope we walk a lot xD I have to get new headphones and a couple of things for my brother´s party on Saturday(I decided that on that day I´ll fast all day and then I´ll have only 1 drink of vodka with low cal juice)

We can do it!

Now I know why my mood changed so many times a day this past week and why I was so depressed...I got my period. That makes me feel fat, it´s ridiculous, I know haha
The period must be also why I reteined SO much water, I mean I had gained 6kg in like 3 days, it made me insane!!(even more xD)
I dropped 5 of those kg, so 1 left to go and I promisse myself I´ll NEVER see the nunber 60 again!!!

I feel like life is worth living today, like I want to notice all the little beautiful things life has to offer, I hope this mood last more than 5 minutes haha

I really want to thank you all for your support, it means the world to me, makes me feel like someone cares even a little, so thank you! I hope I can return that support and make you feel better when you´re down =)

Anything you need, you know


PS: I´ve decided I´m not eating eggs anymore, they gross me out. One step closer to being vegan =)

I forgot something really funny about yesterday...my grandma said she hadn´t eaten for 2 days, I said she needed to eat every day and she said "Thin people don´t eat" haha you got that right!(I wonder why I have an ED...Haha)

lunes, 13 de diciembre de 2010

Don´t even bother in reading this

I´m a freakin monster...I haven´t posted because all I´ve been doing since Friday night is binging like the bitch that I am and taking too many sleeping pills.
62 kg today(I was 59,5 on Friday), weighting myself should have stopped me from eating like the cookie monster but it didn´t.....

I hope I had something positive to say...but the complete and honest truth is that all I want is to die...I want it so bad it hurts, I don´t know what to do to stop feeling this way...ideas?
As I can´t kill myself because of people, all I want is to stay home sleeping forever or until I drop 20 kg...

This past 6 years have been all the same, lose weight, gain weight, cut and wanting to die....will it ever stop? I´ve been to A LOT of therapysts but they can´t change how I feel and neither can I...so what´s left? A life of surviving, of wanting to die and having to live.

Ok, STOP! Tomorrow is a new day and it might be better, I´ll bust my butt at the gym(I didn´t go today), go to therapy, wait for my "diet pills" and go buy another diet pills. This week I´ll do one of my favourite diet, the Apple diet, I don´t follow like it´s meant to, I just eat apples, 3 or 4 a day if I´m too hungry.

Sorry I haven´t commented on your beautiful blogs but I´ve been too down to do anything.
Tomorrow Í´ll catch up on the comments.
Hope you´re doing great like you deserve!

This is exactly how I want to look in that position...so I better shut my mouth...!

viernes, 10 de diciembre de 2010


Omg, omg, omg!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can´t believe this.
One of my best friends tried to kill herself like 2 months ago and she ended up in a deep coma.
Today she posted in facebook she was home!!!!!!!!!!!!! She is ALIVE, my friend is alive.
I think this is the happiest moment of my life, I´m crying of happynes!
I wanted to share this with you, you mean a lot to me!

Not eating is making me so bipolar you wouldn´t believe it. When I wrote this post I was soooo happy....and a few hours later I want to binge and cut so badly it hurts. I´m also suicidal....go me!
I hope you guys are ok!

jueves, 9 de diciembre de 2010

Whatever it takes

Well, yesterday was a pretty bad day food wise, I didn´t eat all day and then I have 2 massive binges wich I purged.
I stayed up all night talking to T and drinking diuretic tea and at 7,30am I went to the gym and burned 500 calories =)

I slept 2 hours when I got back from the gym, I´m so tired right now. But surprisingly I dropped 1.4 kg so yaaaaay!

I think I´m fasting till Sunday when I meet with my friends at Starbucks, I´m dying for a light frapuccino(90 cal)!

Too tired to write something deep so I´ll post some before and after pics! If I post any of you please tell me and I´ll remove them.

Your comments make my day, they really do.
I hope you´re having a lovely day!

Yes, I love befores and afters, they give me hope. I´ll do whatever it takes to be skinny!!! Sorry if I sound like a wannabe(I´m not, God forvide) but I love this pics!

martes, 7 de diciembre de 2010

Yo-yo ing

I´m a walking dissapointment, all I do is eat and it´s killing me. I´ve put on 4kg,4!!!!!!
I know I´ll lose them but I wish I´d never binge again so I won´t gain them back, It´s exhausting losing and gaining, losing and gaining. I´m starting to wonder if I´ll stay fat and ugly all my life......I feel disgusting, correction, I AM disgusting. I wanted to be 57 for my brother´s birthday and now I only have a week, it´s impossible, fuck me.

Thank you so much for the comments darlings, they really helped me =)

Short and pointless post, I know, tomorrow I´ll make a proper one, now I have to go to the gym.