martes, 30 de noviembre de 2010

+ 3.5 kg

I want to die right now. I gained 3.5 kg.....I´m 61.9 kg.............ngfjsuwjytjstru I´m freaking out!!!
WHY why did I have to binge all this days??? I´m such a fat failure, I´ll never be thin...I´ll never be anything. I really wish I could kill myself, I wish I didn´t care about my family an just do it....

Ok, selfpity time over. In a few days I´ll be back to 58, it´s Ok. Tomorrow I´ll start going to the gym so I´ll loose weight faster(please please let this be true)
Today I´ll stay under 300 cals of fruit and drink a lot of diuretic tea(my mom hid the real diuretics so that tea is all I´ve got).
I don´t wanna leave the house looking like this, not even to go to therapy, maybe tomorrow I´ll be less bloated and I won´t panick so much about going out...

How are you lovelies? I hope you´re better than me

viernes, 26 de noviembre de 2010


I don´t know why but I´m soooo angry...I feel like hiting the wall or braking plates...I guess it´ll pass...
Not much new...I have 2 scales now in my house, one saying I weight 60 kg and other saying 58 kg. Either way, I lost quite a few kg this week, most of them must be reteined liquids.
I´ve been eating around 100 cals a day and sleeping very little so that might be why my mood changes constantly....
I´m so bored idk what to do with myself.......and that puts me in a really bad mood.

Yesterday I hung out with my brother´s friends and we smoked a lot of weed, I was completly out of it haha. This is sad, my life is sad but I think I´m only happy when I´m high...does that mean I have a problem with drugs? And more important, if I did, would I care? I don´t think so...
Yesterday my mom called me flacid and i think while I was walking some guys made fun of my weight....I´m so sick of being fat, I´m so sick of my weight holding me back. I think if I was thin my life would be so much better, I wouldn´t have to isolate myself...we´ll see.
I took some anxiety meds to calm myself and now I´m not angry haha.

This post doesn´t make any sense, right? Sorry

I hope everybody had a nice Thanksgiving =)

martes, 23 de noviembre de 2010

Breaking up

I´m braking up with T. Yesterday I was supposed to sleep over at her house but I left like to hours after I got there, I just wanted to be home. I didn´t want to be with her...things aren´t the same since she broke up with me in April...and though I do love her very much, I just don´t like her anymore if you know what I mean.
I need to be with someone positive, outgoing, fun...and she´s the opposite. I also realiced I don´t want her anymore...I want to be with a girl and she wants to be a boy, that honestly doesn´t work for me.
Idk how I´m going to tell her...4 years is a looong time and I know I´ll break her heart....but I have to do it.

Foodwise it´s been prety good, except for yesterday when I binged on 1,500 cal and couldn´t purge ´cause my mom was awake and she´s always listening when I´m in the bathroom...I fasted for almoust 4 days before that, so I don´t complain.
Today I´ve had a yogurt(68 cal) and watermelon(47 cal) and for dinner I´ll eat tomatoes with a soy sausage(27 cal) and if for some reason I get really anxious(ha, I always do) I´ll eat an apple or something like that.

I´m really depressed and not having a job or something to do makes me worst, I need to stop thinking, to stop feeling...

I hope you´re doing great sweeties, you are the best!

Ps: My computer is so slow I want to throw it through the window...sorry Jaz for leaving yesterday but MSN wasn´t working.

sábado, 20 de noviembre de 2010

A little about me

Well, it´s time to tell you a bit about me.

*I started college twice and because of my depression I couldn´t study or concentrate so I dropped out for now. I was studying Psychology and I still want to, but I´ll wait and study make up next year and when I´m better I´ll start psychology again. I want to help people and all my previous therapists are an example of what not to do.
Leaving college makes me feel even more disappointed at myself than I already was, but for now there´s nothing I can do.
*I´m looking for a job. On Tuesday I´ll start giving out my CV´s and we´ll see what happens. I don´t have my hopes up ´cause my arms are covered with scars...I´ll also start telling people I want to babysit(I love kids).
*My passion is Ballet, I danced for 3-4 years till my ED took over me and I couldn´t anymore. Everytime I see ballet I cry, I think it´s the most beautiful thing in the world and I regret leaving it. Maybe, someday, when I fix myself(I doubt that will ever happen), I´ll go back dancing. Next year I want to start Arabic dance and musical comedy(idk how you guys call it, it´s theatre with singing and dancing)
*I daydream of going to NY and living on my own, thin, beautiful, independant and successful. I want to travel the world and stay in a city that fits me, I don´t wanna stay in my country.
*I have green eyes and I dye my hair black(I´m naturally blond), I´ll dye it redish when I´m thinner.
*I always put others ahead of me, I love listening and trying to help others.
*I´m a vegetarian, I think eating meat it´s plain wrong.
*I´m a lesbian, a very very girly one :P
*I hateeee summer and hot weather(it´s spring here...), winter is my thing.
*I adore cofee and reading.

That´s all I can think for now, if you have a question or something don´t be afraid to ask =)
I´ll leave my MSN again if anyone wants to add me

I´m fasting since yesterday and I feel great. Idk if to go out or not because of the drinking, I´ll see later.
I hope you´re doing great! =)

I just love her(L)

jueves, 18 de noviembre de 2010

Happy birthday to me

Well, as my last post said I´ve been messing up big is my birthday so there´s nothing I can do about it(there will be pizza and cake...)but tomorrow is a new day and I´ll start restricting again so I don´t end up killing myself xD (I swear, food is killing me)
Today I´ll go to Starbucks(L) with T and then walk or something with her, I miss her so much! And then I´ll come home, my father(...),godmother and my grandparents will come and we´ll follow the family tradition, eat until we can´t breath(I have to tell you about my family´s EDs in another post).
I will have a great day no matter what!

Thank you so much for the comments girls, they make me smile and feel a lot better!
I´m starting to really care about all of you, you are amazing =)
I hope your doing well

miércoles, 17 de noviembre de 2010

Binge Monster

I´ve been binging non stop sice Sunday...I want to kill myself...I´m so fat,fatter than usual. I was losing weight, why did I have to do that??? My birthday is tomorrow and I´m a whale
jjytykyutytyi I hate myself soooooooooo much...

sábado, 13 de noviembre de 2010

Mom in hospital, useless scale

Yesterday my mom was hospitalized because she had had chest pains the day before and she has high blood pressure. She has a heart problem and she was in the hospital before(wich I only know because she told me, I blocked the memory, nothing new there).
I was so scared yesterday when I visited her even though she felt good, when I was walking there I had this feeling she was going to die, a very strong one. It´s my greatest fear, that someone I love very much dies...and maybe it had to do with the date(I´ll tell you in another post).
I live with my mom and my younger brother(almoust 18) and I love them to death though I´ve had a loooot of problems with my mom and I still recent her for the things she did to me.
She will be a ok, no dying, right?

The part about the scale...when I have bad things in my life I burry myself deeper in the ED, we all do that I think. So yeah, the freaking scale doesn´t work or something, I´ve been fasting for 2 days(this is the third one) and I´ve gain a kg and then lost it. That can´t be right. I hate this scale!

Does anyone knows how to make a low cal cake? Impossible I know, but I have to find how to make one that has 100 cal per portion for my birthday. Any ideas are welcomed!

I hope your doing great!!
I´s really love to talk to you =)

PS: I finished Wintergirls, I loved it!

Wiiiiii my Mom is back!!

jueves, 11 de noviembre de 2010

Yesterday = Binge day

So yeah...yesterday was a bad bad day. I b/p twice and then I binged and took some laxatives. My weight is the same(I think, my scale isn´t digital) so I won´t complain much about it xD

Now the reason I binged.
T (my whatever and close to a girlfriend)started talking about she thinks she´s bad for me and other crap while I was high, so at the time I didn´t understand much, so we talked yesterday on MSN ´cause I was so angry that I didn´t want to see her(still don´t want to but for other reasons). While we talked I felt I was dying, she doesn´t make me feel better and lately she only makes me mad or ruins the time I´m having fan, but I love her so much and to be honest she´s the main reason I stay alive. Apart from her I only have losing weight and I don´t know how much that stupid reason will keep me alive...

I don´t know what to do, I know she´s bad for me but I can´t imagine living without her again, it hurts more than I can take right now. What do you think I have to do? Stay with her or move on?

I really don´t want to think about it so today I´ll just concentrate on fasting and reading. Talking about reading(wich is my favorite thing in the world)does anybody have the link to download Wintergirls? I really want to read it.

I hope you all are doing well and thank you so much for the comments =)

EDIT: I´m looking in Pretty Thin for Wintergirls and I can´t find it, I´m retarded. If someone is a member can you tell me how to find it? Thanks

martes, 9 de noviembre de 2010

Diet pills

Hi lovelies!

I´ve had a great weekend, lots of friends and alcohol and almoust no foood.
Yesterday I went to my doctor and she talked with my psychologist, they agreed to give a weight loss pill and she also gave me vitamins. When I left the consult I didn´t know wheter to laugh or cry....they agree I´m that fat to give me a pill...I was upset and happy, weird conbination. This pill is a mix of drugs an the said it would also help my hair(I´ve been pulling it out since I was a baby).
Then I bought a scale(since my old back is broken) and decided I should be happy. She also gave a sleeping pill that she said would take my anxiety during the day.

Today I feel high haha I think it´s the lack of food, I forgot how great it feels.
I weighted myself this morning and it said 63kg, it´s a cheap scale and honestly I don´t trust it so I´m not too depressed by that high and gross number.
I´ll change my goal for my birthday to 59kg instead of 57kg so I don´t disappoint myself so much.I NEED to lose weight...

I´m really dizzy so I´ll go to bed and try to read for a while before picking up my diet pills(yaay).
I hope you´r all having a good week =)

viernes, 5 de noviembre de 2010

This day suuucks

It´s been a crapy day and it seems it´s going to be a crapy night.

No binging today, that´s good...yesterday 100 cal and today so far 0 BUT I have a birthday party.
I´m really not hungry so I don´t want to eat just to drink millions of calories but if I change my mind later about drinkin(2 glasses, maybe one of white wine and one of vodka with light soda,200 cal, not so much) I don´t want to end up completly wasted...well, I think I´m not drinkin and that´s it.
Today I went to a store to buy a shirt for the party....huge disaster. Nothing fit so I ended up coming home and crying like a baby for being so fat and useless. I managed not to cut, that´s good but I´m really depressed and I just wanna stay home watching TV, maybe smoking some weed or just sleep...
After the party I´m going to T´s house to sleep(we decided on staying in the "whatever"), then tomorrow the Gay Pride parade(idk if you guys call it like that in your cities)and later dancing. I´ll decide if I´m in the mood for clubing tomorrow,if it was for me I´d just slip my freaking wrists and put me out of my misery...

Not the happiest post haha
I really hope you all have amazing weekends =)
Thank you so much for the comments, they make feel so much better(L)

miércoles, 3 de noviembre de 2010

2 Weeks

Like all I say, my last post was bullshit.
This past days I´ve been binging like the fat whore I am and then overdosing on laxatives...yay me!

Today something that scared(not exactly the word but close) happened, I was purging dinner and I felt the relief, pleasure and idk what else I´ve felt the past years I´ve been a bulimic and I don´t want to go back that roud. To me it´s like a drug so I HAVE TO STOP.

There´s only two weeks left to my birthday and I want to be 57 kg by then, I don´t know how much I weight so it´s pretty stupid but I want that weight anyway. Tomorrow I´ll get my fatass at the gym again.
I´m feeling VERY suicidal lately and I don´t know what to do with that...

I´m having some romantic problems. It´s a looong story but given the fact that nobody reads this I can tell it.
Well, it all started 3-4 years ago, I met a girl from a self injury forum(ha, you wheren´t expecting that place to meet anyone)and we started dating. That year in particular I was someone very cold, very unlike me, I´m the opposite of cold and I got bored and left her(yes, I was a complete and total bitch), soon after that I was commited in a psychiatric for 2 weeks(that I blocked out) for trying to kill myself(I can´t even do that right, see?). Then I dated for like 6 months a boy(at the time i thought I was bisexual)who well...molested me, I blocked that out and just remembered it this year(I really wish i hadn´t). Some weeks later from braking up with him I got back with her, let´s call her T. We´ve had an amazing relationship until this year(March) when she broke up with me...that was devastating to me. Then I was with another guy for 2 months I think(turns out he was a total psycho) and then I began seeing her again but nothing serious, well it was but we called ourself "whatever".
Now I have to think if I want to get back together with her or just move on. Moving on would be really hard, we have the same friends and I don´t want to stop talking to her, she´s also my best friend. And getting back together just doesn´t seems right. Tomorrow I´ll see her, I thing I´ll tell her to go back to the "whatever", that is essentially an open relationship without so many responsibillities. I know that for most people open relationships are a fraud but I think they are the most honest ones.
Of course there´s been a lot more in the middle of this story(I could actually write a book xD) but I´m tired of writing and my memory is terrible.

Tomorrow I´ll start restricting again, no more binging and if my period doesn´t like it...screw it.
If anyone reads this I hope you had a better start of the week and I hope to get to know you =)

I´d sell all my organs to look like that.....someday I will look something close to that!(I don´t even believe it)

PS: If anyone wants to talk here´s my msn

lunes, 1 de noviembre de 2010

Weekends, weekends, weekends...

I hope you all had a great Halloween =)

I had a party at my house and it was really fun,though I drank way too much(empty calories, need to stop drinking and just smoke weed) and I ate some chips...
On Sunday I laxed myself and drank some diuretic teas but I also binged at night(pizza, cereals,a lollypop) so today I feel like the fattest person on earth, why do I punish myself binging?Well, I hate myself but I can´t keep doing that, I decided that if I ever binge again(of course I will,god I hate bulimia)it will be only with cereals that I can purge really easy. Yesterday I couldn´t purge because I didn´t want to waste the laxies...

I´m bloaded I feel like an air baloon, of course I am I ate pizzaa, I´m also supposed to be geting my period. I swear I´m so depressed I want to kill myself...
Well I´ll stop complaining haha.

My plan for the week is to eat less than 500 calories and start working out again and not to drink or aet anything on my friend´s birthday on Saturday.

I have to go to the doctor´s today, my therapist wants to ask her to give me some pills to burn the fat, if she doesn´t give them to me I´ll buy some online.

On the next post I´ll tell more about myself
Thank you Ninja for comenting =)

Have a great week!